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The finest collection of Jewish jokes short, funny and corny.
Hebrew: בדיחות קצרות ומצחיקת
Some of the most famous comedians of all times are Jewish; Groucho Marx, Seinfeld, Milton Berle, Jerry Lewis to name but a few and when you need those laughs to come fast you can enjoy a giggle with us. Here are some favorite jokes. and all have a Jewish theme. They are not intended to insult or poke fun at anyone. Feel free to add a joke in the Comment Box below.
Must-have Jewish apps
Kiddush Buddy: Uses GPS to find kiddush events in nearby shuls and reports which are hot, which are cold and how far they are from the cell phone owner.
Kid Finder: Works with implanted chip technology to locate your child and sound alarm if he/she leaves the synagogue.
Service Length Predictor: Gives real time estimate of when the service will end. Takes into account traffic delays such as unusually long lulav lines on Sukkot.
Snooze Alert: Recognizes snoring and slumping of cell phone owner during sermon and produces a gentle vibration to wake him from his slumber.
Pledge Counter: For use by shul gabbai to enter pledges made by congregants when they are called to the Torah during services.
Page Finder: Continuously follows Chazzan’s singing and displays current page in siddur. Version available for ArtScroll, Koren and Shilo siddurim.
An oldie
There is a well known Midrash about how God offered the Law to a number of nations, which all refused it, before He offered it to the Jews at Mt. Sinai. What isn’t known very well is the inside story.
God first went to the Egyptians and asked them if they would like a commandment.
“What’s a commandment?” they asked.
“Well, one of them goes, ‘Thou shalt not commit adultery,'” replied God.
The Egyptians thought about it and then said, “No way, that would ruin our weekends.”
So then God went to the Assyrians and asked them if they would like a commandment.
They also asked, “What’s a commandment?”
“Well,” said God, “one says, ‘Thou shalt not steal.'”
The Assyrians immediately replied, “No way. That would ruin our economy.”
So finally God went to the Jews and asked them if they wanted a commandment.
They asked, “How much?”
God said, “They’re free.”
The Jews said, “Great! We’ll take ten.”
While attending a public dinner, a Rabbi was seated next to a prominent woman. Apparently attempting to impress the rabbi, the woman mentioned that one of her ancestors was present at the signing of Israel’s Declaration of Independence.
The Rabbi quickly responded, “My ancestors witnessed the giving of the Ten Commandments.”
Kosher Jewish jokes
Miriam and Moishe were in despair. Their 3 year old son David still had not learned how to talk. Not a word had escaped through those now 3-year-old lips.
One Friday night at Shabbos dinner, David took a taste of his pie, and to their utter surprise and amazement, said: “You call this matzah ball soup? It tastes like tasteless mush!”
Miriam and Moishe sat there in shock, for this was not just their son’s first sentence, but the first words he ever uttered! Once the initial shock had subsided, Moishe asked,
“Tell me David, how come you never spoke until now?”
“I never had any reason to,” explained David.
“There was nothing wrong with the soup until now.”
Dear G-d, my prayer for this year is for a fat bank account and a thin body.
Please don’t mix these up like you did last year. ……..AMEN.
At Golden Chopsticks Kosher Chinese restaurant in Toronto they have a letter posted on the wall:
The Chinese Restaurant Association of Canada thanks the Jewish people. We do not understand your dietary requirement properly but we are happy and honored that your G-d instructs you to eat our food on Xmas and new year.
Issy is walking down the road with his friend Max, when he suddenly says.
You know what, Max, I’m a walking economy”.
Whatever do you mean by that?” Asks Max.
“ Well , it’s likely this…. my hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation and the combination of these factors is putting me into a depression!”
Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders pastrami on white bread instead of rye, somewhere a Jew dies.
If Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would be still in Paradise.
Why?
Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple!
No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry; but then again, no one leaves with a hangover either.
Why spoil a good meal with a big tip.
If you don’t eat, it will kill your mother and grandmother.
Prune Danish is an acquired taste.
Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
No meal is complete without leftovers.
Virtually all Jewish wisdom is somehow related to food.
On Pesach there is nothing to eat,
On Sukkot there is nowhere to eat,
On Rosh Hashanah there is no time to eat,
On Yom Kippur we are not allowed to eat,
On Purim we are too drunk to eat,
Hannukah – it’s all too fattening to eat,
Shavuot – we are too tired to eat,
And when TuB’Shvat comes around, the food is all dried up!
More Jewish humor
A man goes to his rabbi and asks, “Rabbi, why do you always answer a question with another question?” The rabbi replies, “Why shouldn’t I?”
Yankel from Williamsburg puts up a sign that says “Boat for sale”
Yoily, his friend says, “But Yankel you only own a house and a car”
“Dat’s right” Yankel responded “And dey are boat for sale”
Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!
“If G-d had intended Jewish women to exercise, he’d have put diamonds on the floor.”
What is the definition of chutzpah – it’s when someone is being treated for a multi-personality disorder and wants a……..group discount 🙂
Whats a Jewish girls favorite wine? I want to go to Florida!
An elderly Jewish fisherman wrote to a mail order house the following:
“Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438,and if it’s any good, I’ll send you a check.”
In a short time he received the following reply: “Please send check. If it’s any good, we’ll send the engine.”
The Rabbi was teaching his 6 year old students.
He asked one of them to give him one of the Ten Commandments……
Easy said Shmuel … “Thou shall not admit adultery”
An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and is brought to
the local hospital.
A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says, “Mr. Cohen, are you comfortable?”
“I make a living….” he replies.
Signs on Synagogue Bulletin Boards:
· Under the same management for over 5,780 years.
· Don’t give up. Moses was once a basket case.
· What part of “Thou shalt not” don’t you understand?
· Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting.
Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah.
The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
If you’re going to whisper at the movies, make sure it’s loud enough for everyone else to hear.
Laugh now, but one day you’ll be driving a big Cadillac and eating dinner at four in the afternoon.
Jewish Mother Jokes
A Jewish mother is walking down the street with her young son. They pass by a toy store, and the son points to a toy he wants. The mother replies, “You know, I’ll buy you that toy on one condition.” The son eagerly asks, “What’s the condition, Mom?” With a smile, the mother says, “You become a doctor first.”
Three Jewish mothers get together for lunch. As they are being seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow “oy.”
The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow “oy.”
The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently, “Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren’t going to talk about our children.”
My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty.
They sent her home because she insisted SHE was guilty.
A waiter comes over to a table full of Jewish women and asks, “Is anything alright?
An Italian mother says, “If you don’t eat all the food on this plate, I’ll kill you.” A Jewish mother says, “If you don’t eat all the food on this plate, I’ll kill myself.”
A man walked into the women’s department of Macy’s in New York City. He found a saleslady, and told her, “I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B.”
With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, “What kind of bra?”
He repeated “A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know “what she means.”
“Ah, now I remember,” said the saleslady. “We don’t get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra.”
Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked, “So, what are the differences?”
The saleslady responded “It is all really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses. The Salvation Army bra lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright.”
He mused on that information for a minute, and asked, “So, what does the Jewish bra do?”
“The Jewish bra,” she replied, “makes mountains out of molehills.”
Old Jewish culture jokes
The Italian says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have wine.”
The Frenchman says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have cognac.”
The Russian says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have vodka.”
The German says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have beer.”
The Mexican says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have tequila.”
The Jew says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes.”
3 men; one Scottish, one Irish, and one Jewish.
They were all builders. Every day they went to work on the top of a building.
The Scotsman pulls out his lunch and says “TUNA! I hate TUNA! If my wife gives me tuna tomorrow I’ll jump off this building!”
The Irish man says “EGG! I hate EGG! If my wife gives me egg tomorrow I’ll jump off this building!”
The Jewish man says “HUMOUS! I hate humous! If my wife gives me humous tomorrow I’ll jump off this building!”
The next day the Scotsman pulls out his lunch and says “TUNA! That’s it!” and jumps off the building.
The Irishman says “EGG! That’s it!” and jumps off the building.
The Jewish man says “HUMOUS! That’s it!” and jumps off the building.
The next day the wives get interviewed.
The Scotsman’s wife and the Irish man’s wife say “If only he had just had just told me he didn’t like the sandwich, I would have made him something different.”
The Jewish wife says “I don’t understand this. He always made his own sandwiches.
Q: What do you call a Jewish Marshall arts champion ?
A: Jew Jitsu.
Q: What is the proper blessing to recite before logging on to the Internet?
A: “Modem anachnu…
Q: Did you hear about the Jewish ATM?
A: When you take out some money, it says to you, what did you do with the last $50 I gave you?
Q. How does Moses make his tea?
A: Hebrews it.
