Sukkot and Jewish jokes, giggles and one-liners.
Take a few minutes from your busy day and enjoy these Sukkot and Jewish jokes. In the shadow of the fourth wave of the coronavirus, we could all use a laugh and a chuckle.
Last year, Sukkot 2020 during Covid-19 lockdown in Israel the usual custom of Ushpizin (welcoming guests to the Sukkah) was been replaced by UshpiZoom. This year, we will be able to invite family and friends to our sukkah.
Moishe built a sukkah on the balcony of his apartment. Just before the holiday began, the landlord noticed it and demanded that it be removed immediately, claiming it was a violation of the terms of his lease. Moishe refused, telling the landlord that since this was a religious observance, he had the right to build the sukkah there.
The landlord disagreed and immediately took the case to court.
In court, the landlord argued that the sukkah was unsightly, against the terms of the lease, and was a fire hazard. Moishe argued his religious rights. The judge, who happened to be Jewish, listened patiently and then offered his verdict.
“I agree with the landlord in this case, and I therefore rule that you have eight days to take down your hut.”
Sukkot 1957 – Elvis Presley had been on a visit to Israel. He was fascinated by all the booths he saw and by the religious men waving their lulavim and etrogim. When he got back to the U.S.A. he told Tom Parker, his manager, how wonderful his trip had been. Inspired by it all he sat down and wrote the top hit – “I’m all shook up”.
The Cohen family were very conscientious and were all about re-cycling. They had special bins for paper, glass and organic waste. One day after Sukkot the Cohen children got all excited as their parents gave them a gift. They fought to tear off the wrapping and couldn’t wait to open the box. Soon their new toy was revealed – Mr. Etrog Head.
Sukkot – Dr. Seuss Style
You can build it very small
You can build it very tall
You can build it very large
You can build it on a barge
You can build it on a ship
Or on a roof but please don’t slip
You can build it in an alley
You shouldn’t build it in a valley
You can build it on a wagon
You can build it on a dragon
You can make the s’chach of wood
Would you, could you, yes you should
Make the s’chach from leaves of tree
You shouldn’t bend it at the knee
Build your Sukkah tall or short
No Sukkah is built in the Temple Court
You can build it somewhat soon
You cannot build it in the month of June
If your Sukkah is well made
You’ll have the right amount of shade
You can build it very wide
You cannot build it on its side
Build if your name is Jim
Or Bob or Sam or even Tim
Build it if your name is Sue
Do you build it, yes you do!
From the Sukkah you can roam
But you should treat it as your home
You can invite some special guests
Don’t stay in it if there are pests
You can sleep upon some rugs
Don’t you build it where there’s bugs
In the Sukkah you should sit
And eat and drink but never…
If in the Sukk ah it should rain
To stay there would be such a pain
And if it should be very cold
Stay there only if you’re bold
So build a Sukkah one and all
Make it large or make it small
Sukkah rules are short and snappy
Enjoy Sukkos, rejoice be happy
Purim is for alcoholics.
Pesach is for OCDs.
Shavuot is for insomniacs, and Lag B’omer is for pyromaniacs who weren’t satisfied with Hannuka.
Tisha B’Av is for manic depressives
Rosh Hashana is for people who obsess over dying
Yom Kippur is for anorexics
Sukkot is for the homeless
Simchat Torah is for those in their happier stages of bipolar. Mi K’Amcha Yisroel. … and people still wonder why the Jews invented psychology.”
A man comes to the Rabbi and asks for instructions on how to build a kosher sukkah. The Rabbi directs him to read a page of the Talmudic tractate of Sukkot and follow the instructions. The man follows all the instructions and just as he puts up last piece of scach on top of the Sukkah, the whole thing collapses. Thinking he made a mistake, he tracks back and rebuilds the Sukkah with the same result. Very frustrated he goes back to the Rabbi and explains what happened. The rabbi opens to the page of Talmud, studies it for a minute and exclaims “Funny, Rashi asks the same question”! -Credit: Rabbi Art Gould
“Don’t worry, I’ll take care of it” Moishe says to Yankele who complained to a relative in New York that he couldn’t find Hadas in Jerusalem.
A few days later Yankele still hasn’t found what he is looking for.
The phone rings – it’s Moishe. “I took care of it – go to the front door”.
As Yankele opens the door he sees Aunt Myrtle in front of him.
“Darling nephew, so kind of you to have me, I’m here for 8 days!”