Thursday, 13 December 2018
(Reading time: 2 - 4 minutes)

Hanukkah jokes, humor, one liners, funnies & festival cheer.

The best collection of Hannukah jokes and funnies.

Hebrew: בדיחות חנוכה

hannukah jokes dreidel 

The Hanukkah Bush

Admiring the Christmas trees displayed in his neighbour's windows, Nathan asks his father, 'Daddy, can we have a Hanukkah bush?'

'What? No, of course not.' says his father.

'Why not?' asks Nathan again.

A little agitated, his father replies, 'Well, Nathan, the last time we had dealings with a bush that was lit up, we spent 40 years in the wilderness.'


Tale of the Village Rabbi

It was Hanukkah and the tiny village outside Budapest in Hungary was frightened that they may not have any latkes because they had run out of flour.

Rudi, the Rabbi, was called upon to help solve the problem. He said, 'Don't worry, you can substitute matzo meal for the flour, and the latkes will be just as delicious.'

Sarah looks to her husband and says, 'Samuel, you think it'll work?'

'Of course,' Samuel replies, 'Everybody knows Rudolph the Rabbi knows grain, dear.'


Top 10 reasons to like Hanukkah

1.No roof damage from reindeer

2. Never a silent night when you're among your Jewish loved ones

3. If someone screws up on their gift, there are seven more days to correct it

4. Betting Hanukkah gelt (the chocolate coins) on candle races

5. You can use your fireplace

6. Naked spin-the-dreidel games

7. Fun waxy buildup on the menorah

8. No awkward explanations of virgin birth

9. Cheer optional

10.No Irving Berlin songs


10 reasons why Hannukah is better than Christmas

1. There''s no "Donny & Marie Hanukkah Special"

2. Eight days of presents (in theory, anyway)

3. No need to clean the chimney

4. There's no latke-nog

5. Burl Ives doesn't sing Hanukkah songs

6. You won't be pressured to buy Hanukkah Seals.

7. You won't see, "You're a Putz, Charlie Brown".

8. No barking dog version of "I had a Little Driedl".

9. No pine needles to vacuum up afterwards.

10. Latke mix is cheaper to mail on Amazon, than fruitcakes.


Mary goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Hanukkah cards one year. She says to the cashier, "Please may I have 50 Hanukkah stamps?"

The cashier asks, "What denomination?"

Miriam says, "Oy vey, give me 6 Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform."


With which hand is it better to light the menorah?

Neither, it's best to light it with a candle.


I asked the waiter if my latkes would be long.

He said, "No sir, they'll be round."


Quotable quotes

1. Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call. - Richard Lewis

2. I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up ... they have no holidays. - Henny Youngman

3. My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking Canada. - David Steinberg

4. God, I know we are your chosen people, but couldn't you choose somebody else for a change? - Shalom Aleichem

5. The remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. - Calvin Trillin

6. Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses.  He took us 40 years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil. - Golda Meir

7. Even a secret agent can't lie to a Jewish mother. - Peter Malkin

8. Don't be humble; you are not that great. - Golda Meir

9. Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors. - Sam Goldwyn

10. God will pardon me. It's His business. - Heinrich Heine


Roses are red

Violets are blue

Nothing rhymes with Hanukkah


Enjoyed these? Check out more of our Jewish jokes, riddles and one-liners

Rabbi Wainstein explains the significance of the Festival of  Hanukkah

Mouthwatering Hanukkah recipes

Save your 'gelt' - Free places to visit during the holidays